Brene Brown's "The Power of Vulnerability"; struggling to accept a really powerful life lesson

Hello children! 

So I haven't written in awhile and I'm sorry.  Holidays, craziness and lack of ideas.  I would get an idea but it would just float away.  But then a Facebook post and comment thread between some of my closest friends inspired me.

So the title-it is an amazing TED talk that was shown to me back in August.  For me, it was really powerful.  Part of it was because I was at a vulnerable point in my life, and also because it just really hit home at a personal struggle I have had for as long as I can remember.  First, you should watch the video.  It's 20 minutes but it is so worth the time.  Here is the link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o

To sum up (if you don't have time to watch it right now-but you really should make time soon); a basic human struggle is allowing ourselves to feel vulnerable; without that vulnerability, we are sort of living a half-life.  Doing things like waiting for a certain call from the doctor, or the feeling before taking a huge risk-it scares many people; but learning to accept that in your life-while it will result in sadness and rejection at times, it makes the good news and events so much more exciting and life is far more fulfilling than hiding behind an iron curtain, emotionally. 

I have a huge problem with this; I will admit that I tend to avoid situation and learning some things because I am so terrified of a bad result; however, that lends me to live a life of fear, and one where I am depriving myself of the possibility of the most fulfilling type of life.  Listening to this talk the first time made me realize this; I watched it again, and a third time, within as many days.  I was determined to stop this cycle.

I revisited this video a few months later, and again today.  Unfortunately, this fear of vulnerability still lives with me every day, and I hate it; but throwing this curtain to the side seems like an impossible task.  After a lot of praying and meditation, I know this is what God is asking me to do; but it seems like too much. 

There have been a few occasions where I have "slipped" and allowed that vulnerability to come through.  But then I get scared and run back.  I become afraid that the people that saw that will dislike the person they just saw-that I am weak and need to become an adult and not let anything get to me. 

It does worry me that in this subconscious determination to remain behind  the iron curtain, I am distancing myself from the people I love, as well as preventing new people from coming in.  I know that by being brave and allowing myself to be exposed emotionally, no matter what the result is, will start letting me live a more fulfilling life.  But why can't I let myself do it?  Why is this fear so paralyzing?

If you are waiting for my epiphany...keep waiting.  Unfortunately, it is not something I have discovered yet.  Hopefully soon.  In the meantime, prayer and meditation, and a newly found exercise routine, have been helping me gather strength, both physically and emotionally.   Maybe one day soon it will come to me.